Missing

by An B. Cay

PART I

Something was missing from her desk in her quarters. She was sure and she was sure she needed to take it with her to the Bridge today, but for the life of her she couldn't remember what it was. She stood staring at her desk blankly, what should be on it?

She mentally went through her actions of the evening before, after she’d arrived in her quarters. It had been a long day and when she’d finally come home Chakotay had felt the need to contact her to ask something frivolous thereby distracting her from her usual routine. Damn. She was going to be late.

She went through her routine, slowly walking from the door to her desk, pretending to put her usual stack of pads on its surface. She lingered a second as she remembered touching her comm. badge and talking to her Commander. She stood looking around her, not able to remember what she’d been doing while talking. Walking backwards to her bedroom scanning with her eyes for anything out of the ordinary, she ended up on the edge of her bed where she had taken of her shoes as she had finally been able to say ‘Janeway out.’ … She was suddenly sure: the moments she had lost, the moments she had been unable to retain in her memory, where the moments which held the key to her quandary.

With an irritated sigh she touched her comm. badge. ‘Janeway to Torres.’

‘Torres here, Captain.’

‘Are you alone, Lieutenant?’

‘One moment, Captain.’

‘Kathryn?’

‘Yes sweet, I was wondering…’

‘Yes?’

‘Did you see anything unusual on my desk this morning?’

‘No, not that I can remember. Why? What’s wrong?’

‘Well,’ Kathryn hesitated, this was going to sound so silly…, ‘I am so sure I put something important on my desk yesterday, but for the life of me I can’t remember what it is…’ She could practically hear B’Elanna smiling through the connection. ‘I know this must sound like I’m loosing it, but first Chakotay distracted me with a frivolous question, then you came by and distracted me with some frivolous action and I was so tired…’

B’Elanna reacted immediately to the embarrassed weariness in Kathryn’s voice. ‘Hey! Katy? Can happen to the best of us okay? I’m only smiling because I know the feeling; knowing you forgot something, not knowing what it is. It always feels like a bit of a paradox even if it isn’t. But the only thing I can think of that was on your desk last night and isn’t now, are the flowers…’

‘Damn Bella you’re right! Thank God, thank you-’ and then Kathryn suddenly fell quiet. Where had the flowers gone? She had a strange feeling she knew what had happened to them, but didn’t quite know what to say next. Thankfully B’Elanna stepped in.

‘No baby, thank you! That was the most beautiful bouquet you’ve ever given me. I can’t believe you forgot giving them to me though. Are you sure the flowers are the important thing you were missing?’

Kathryn paced her quarters up and down in a desperate attempt to come up with a reasonable response while at the same time B’Elanna’s actions and reactions to her the night before suddenly made perfect sense in a completely new context.
She hadn’t meant to imply that the flowers were for Bella when she’d asked her ‘What do you think?’ Bella’s enthusiastic lovemaking had been her love’s attempt to reward her for the luxurious bouquet. Damn, she was going to have to replicate a new one for Kes’s birthday!

‘Well… B’Elanna, what I didn’t get around to yesterday… which really was the reason I was so glad you came by unexpectedly…’ Kathryn stalled. It really was time she said this and this was the perfect opportunity to do so.

‘What?’ B’Elanna could feel herself become agitated. In her experience, if there were flowers, especially exceptionally nice flowers, accompanied by half finished sentences, it meant someone had done something very wrong. ‘What Kathryn?’

‘There’s something I have wanted to tell you for a while now…’ she wasn’t sure she should do this over a comm. channel or if she should base her admission on a lie. Oh my, she wasn’t sure what to do now. Her frowning eyebrows transformed her forehead with worry wrinkles.

‘What Kathryn?!’ the edge was clear in B’Elanna’s voice.

‘I’m sorry Bella, have lunch with me? We can talk about it then; I’d rather not talk about this over an open comm. channel when I’m late already.’

‘No,’ B’Elanna growled, ‘we’ll do this now.’

This was going from bad to worse. Alright. Kathryn made her decision. ‘At least come to my quarters, please? We’ll have some privacy and I’ll contact Chakotay to tell him I’m going to be late. Okay sweet?’

‘I’ll be right there.’ And with that the connection was closed and B’Elanna was stalking through Voyager’s corridors.

‘I have a few things to attend to first, Chakotay, but I’ll be there as soon as I can.’

‘No rush, Captain, everything is under control.’

‘Alright, see you later, Janeway out.’ Just then the chime to her door sounded. ‘Come in.’

B’Elanna wearily walked in, stopping just inside the now closed door. ‘Okay Kathryn, I’m here: spill.’

Kathryn opened her mouth, but after a moments hesitation closed it again, where should she start?

‘Well?’

‘I eh… well, to be honest, ehm, the flowers,’ Kathryn took a deep breath, ‘theywereforKes,’ she said as quickly as possible, ‘but-’

‘WHAT!’

‘It’s her birthday today B’Elanna.’

‘But you said-’

It was Kathryn’s turn to interrupt. ‘I know and I’m so sorry Bella… if I had known yesterday you thought… but I really was so glad to see you… and I wanted to tell you… but I got a little sidetracked and,’ disgusted with her inarticulateness she gave up.

‘What! What did you want to tell me?!’ B’Elanna had reached the end of any patience she might previously have had. ‘Come on Kathryn. Tell me.’

Making up her mind she walked over to B’Elanna to grasp one of her strong hands. She needed an anchor to fight the feeling of being adrift, but was sidestepped by one very upset-looking engineer. Damage control flitted through Kathryn’s mind; and finally Captain Janeway could feel some of her famous control slip back into place.

‘B’Elanna, you might already know this, I hope I’ve shown you how much you mean to me over the last few weeks, but with everything that has happened the last week, your capture by the Vidians…’ for a second the memory of how the aliens had used her love as a research subject left her speechless. ‘I just realized I want you to know, I want to say to you out loud that I love you. I love you Bella.’ She held her breath searching the tan face. A face which stayed disconcertedly blank for a few seconds.

‘Ehm,’ B’Elanna finally said, trying to adjust to the drastic change in pace. ‘I’ll give you back the flowers.’

‘Huh! Wha, eh, no, no I want you to have them.’

‘Nooo, they’re for Kes, I don’t want you to have to replicate another one.’

Well, Kathryn reflected, she probably should accept, she couldn’t really afford to… wait a second! She had just… and B'Elanna hadn’t really… She tried to marshal her thoughts. ‘Have I scared you off?’ Kathryn asked quietly.

‘No.’ B'Elanna sounded less than convincing even to herself. She looked at Kathryn, at her eyes, big and questioning and realized maybe this was a bit more than she was ready to handle. ‘I’m sorry, I’ll give you back your flowers… I have to get back to work.’

WHAT! Kathryn felt her breath leave her body and her mouth open. She couldn’t believe it. I love you – I’ll give you back your flowers!?! She’d cheated on Mark for this woman. Damn. She had to struggle a bit, but finally she managed to put her command mask on her face. Well, that was that then, wasn’t it? Another bit of reality to deal with. ‘Okay B'Elanna.’ She felt her heart settle deep in her stomach, filling with bitterness. Alright then. This was how it was going to be. Okay.

PART III

Time had passed and as it had, her feelings had spiraled consistently further down. She was lonely. Her own fault. After the affair had ended she had kept people at a safe distance, especially her… B'Elanna sighed. Pretending she was alright was becoming a fulltime job, and, on top of the one she already had in engineering, B'Elanna was exhausted. The fact that she was already in bed, didn’t actually mean she’d have a full night’s sleep.

Christmas celebration was tomorrow, she wouldn’t attend, normally, but Neelix had been badgering her. So had some other friends, not to mention… Kathryn of course hadn’t asked her to come. It had been easy to keep her at a distance; her Captain wouldn’t come near her for anything more personal than a platitude or two. But sitting in a Mokra cell with Tuvok, who wasn’t the most reassuring person to be locked up with, not knowing what had happened to Kathryn, had slammed home that she’d made the wrong decision. She’d already known that of course, but…

Now she needed to see her, make absolutely sure Kathryn was alright, was alive. The anguish she’d felt while waiting in that cell still resonating through her. And for a second after they’d been rescued, she’d seen a blaze of feeling in the Captain’s eyes as well. What she was going to do about it? Well, she had always been more of an ‘impulse girl’ than a ‘plan and execute’-kind of person.

Turning of the light B'Elanna settled in for a long and restless night.

By the time she stepped into Holodeck 1 the next evening B'Elanna felt like her molecules where held together with sticky tape. She was beyond tired, stressed, depressed, nervous and bursting with conflicting feelings. But she was a woman on a mission, probably a very brief mission with only a very vaguely defined goal, but a mission nonetheless.

She would walk up to Kathryn and ask her how she was doing. Maybe she would ask her to dance, or if she didn’t have the courage or Kathryn declined, she’d make sure to at least put her hand on an arm or something like that. A touch was a necessary part of the mission, she needed to feel her, be near her, smell her. And she would take anything she could get.

Her target was a few feet ahead of her talking to Chakotay and Neelix, nobody was dancing yet but the music was danceable. B'Elanna walked straight toward the little group, a quick nod at Neelix and the Commander, before she zeroed in on her target.

‘Hello Captain.’

Kathryn threw a glance her way, before responding quietly. ‘B'Elanna.’

‘How are you doing?’

This earned her a longer and probing look, as if the Captain was trying to gauge her intentions. ‘I’m alright, thank you Lieutenant,’ she finally answered.

And this is where the conversation halted completely. From the corner of her eye, she could see Neelix open his mouth, her opportunity would be lost if she didn’t act quickly. Kathryn wasn’t going to wait patiently until B'Elanna could get a word in edgewise. ‘Would you care to dance with me Captain?’ B'Elanna blurted out before she could worry about it. Kathryn’s eyes big, her eyebrows raised as she looked at her but before she could react, Neelix stepped in with bubbling enthusiasm.

‘That would be wonderful! I was afraid it would never start! Chakotay and I will ask someone too and in no time everyone will be dancing.’ And off he was, probably looking for Kes.

Chakotay aided to her cause as well with a brief: ‘Well Kathryn, time to start the party,’ before he too walked off in search of a dance partner. Standing alone, B'Elanna didn’t know what to say so she just held out her hand, when the Captain tentatively took it in hers she led her to the middle of the room where there was space enough to dance.

A new song started and with Kathryn a little stiff but warm in her arms, B'Elanna started to dance.

‘B'Elanna, what are you doing?’

This was the part she would have to improvise completely. She had absolutely no idea what the best approach would be, so she chose to go with her gut.

‘Dancing with the woman I love.’

She could feel the resistance grow in Kathryn’s muscles. B'Elanna knew she had to say something more or she’d be dragging the Captain across the dance floor for the remainder of the song and she would be no further than she had been when she walked into the Holodeck this evening.

‘Getting the courage up to ask her if we can talk even though I treated her very badly.’

Kathryn’s face gave nothing away while she searched B'Elanna’s eyes.

‘What do you want?’

‘Just to talk to you. Please.’ When no answer was forthcoming the engineer added: ‘I promise to respect whatever the outcome will be. If you don’t want me near you again I’ll stay away from you as much as work allows, and I’ll never bring the subject up again.’

B'Elanna could feel the tension in Kathryn’s body rise just before she answered.

‘Alright. We can talk tonight, after the party, my quarters.’ And with that Kathryn slipped out off B'Elanna’s arms and walked away. Leaving the dark-haired woman standing alone in the middle of the dance floor.

PART IV

They’d walked the corridors to the Captain’s quarters in silence. Kathryn had given her a sign, the party wasn’t over yet but it was a respectable time for the Captain to leave, so they had.

‘Do you want something to drink?’

‘Yes please, coffee would be nice.’

Kathryn’s eyes flicked over her before she turned to the replicator. B'Elanna wasn’t a big coffee drinker, but she was in need of something strong and fortifying which wouldn’t cloud her mind.

They both remained standing, coffee in hand, turned towards each other but not looking at each other.

‘Kathryn,’ B'Elanna cast a quick glance at the other woman, then returned her eyes to her coffee. ‘I don’t know how to start, where… the right place…’ She halted in her pitiful attempt, drew a shaky breath and started anew. ‘I was overwhelmed,’ that was an understatement, ‘I was scared, when you, when you said… you said,’ gh'Day't! She couldn’t even say it. She let her head fall back and took another deep breath. A true yoH'Ha'qu'! Well damn all cowards straight to hell, she wasn’t going to be one any longer.

She set her cup down on the coffee table, walked over to Kathryn and looked straight in her eyes. ‘I was scared when you told me you loved me!’ B'Elanna stated forcefully. Forcefully enough to make Kathryn finally meet her gaze.

‘You’re a wonderful woman Kathryn… and I was waiting for you to end it.’

Kathryn’s eyes blazed, her jaw set.

‘And I was wrong,’ B'Elanna continued, ‘I was so wrong and I’m sorry.’

‘What do you think I am?’ Kathryn growled, ‘a-’

‘To good for me!’ B'Elanna interrupted. Kathryn’s eyes still blazed but she remained silent as she glared at her ex-lover.

Trying to gather her thoughts B'Elanna turned to the viewport, looking out at the stars. ‘When I loved, when something good happened to me, it never lasted. From my mother to my father, from my first relationships to Starfleet: it NEVER lasted.’ She turned back to Kathryn trying to impress her sincerity on her. ‘I now that doesn’t make right what I did, it doesn’t excuse how I acted. I should have really looked at you; I should have given you a chance. But my expectations were set and I couldn’t see beyond my past. I’m sorry.’

Finally the anger melted from Kathryn’s face, only to be replaced by a sad and slightly uncertain look. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

‘I love you.’

The Captain looked helpless, her mouth opened and closed.

‘If you still… have feelings for me, if you feel enough to want to take the risk: I know I have to earn your trust again. I know it will take time for the pain to heal. I know it will be wonderful to really woo you this time. But the question is: do you want me to? And if you do, will you let me?’

B'Elanna tried to wait as patiently as she could, she wouldn’t push, but she needed to do something. She took a step back, giving Kathryn some room to breathe. Taking a sip from her lukewarm coffee she looked over the rim of her cup at the woman she loved. Tears were welling in the beautiful dark blue eyes.

‘B'Elanna, I…’

The engineer bit her lip, but no other words came.

‘Have you made your decision?’ B'Elanna asked tentatively, ‘or do you need some time?’

Kathryn shook her head and then stopped ‘yes.’

B'Elanna’s heart fluttered in her chest; she didn’t know which question had been answered. Holding her breath she tried to keep her fear from showing, tried to keep her feet from walking, her body from turning towards the door. She had to stay calm; this was exactly what had gotten her into this mess in the first place.

‘I need some time,’ Kathryn finally clarified.

A stay of execution. B'Elanna nodded. ‘Is there anything else you want to know? Anything I can do?’

Slowly Kathryn wrapped her arms around herself and shook her head. ‘No. I need to be alone.’

B'Elanna nodded. ‘Thank you for listening to me. Good night.’ She turned towards the door. The soft ‘I doubt it’ made her turn back once more, but the Captain had already turned away from her.

Shift the next day went painfully slow and without any sign of the Captain. Gradually it dawned on B'Elanna that she didn’t know how long she should wait for her answer. But was there really any way to know when the time was right? Would asking Kathryn make her feel pressured, would it push her away, or would it show her that she was serious about this? In the end she decided to take it a few hours at a time and try to catch a clue from Kathryn’s behavior. Even not seeing her then became a clue, but she could wait a little longer.

The evening passed at a snail's pace. Dinner in the Mess hall with Tom and Harry discussing yesterday’s party, eating something which looked horrible but tasted alright. Sitting in her quarters trying to read a book which couldn’t hold her attention for longer than a few seconds at a time. Drinking tasteless herbal tea in an effort to relax so she would later be able to sleep. Hopefully. Trying not to think of Kathryn every single passing second, because the obsessing was just too vexing and negating any redeeming qualities the tasteless tea might have.

B'Elanna gave up at 2217 hours, took a long shower and went to bed.

The next morning found her in Engineering two hours before her shift started, trying to sort reports and designing some sort of alarm system for when all the different weekly, monthly and annual reports should be filed and when she had better start writing them. A soft chirp from her office terminal made her look up and notice the tiny light on her viewer indicating a communication. Smoothly her finger slid over the screen to activate the message, the words gliding onto her screen:

-----------------------------
B'Elanna,
If you have time today I would like to talk with you after shift.
~Kathryn
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Tell me when to be where. I’ll be there.
~B'Elanna
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1900 your quarters?
~Kathryn
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I’ll see you then.
~B'Elanna
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Although last shift had seemed to crawl past it had nothing on this shift. She felt as if she were walking through an endless sea of thigh deep mud in an environmental suit with gravitational boots. When three gelpacks blew she was almost happy, until she realized she had to contact the Captain to tell her of the loss, its cause and what they were doing about it. But the conversation lasted only seconds and went a lot smoother than she had feared. The relief that brought made the last few hours pass much faster.

B'Elanna decided to keep her uniform on, what was said would be important not how she looked. Kathryn’s decision wouldn’t be based on whether or not she was wearing a sexy dress. And when the chime sounded and the doors slid open, she knew she was right. The Captain was still in uniform herself.

‘Kathryn,’ B'Elanna welcomed her, ‘do you want something to drink?’ She was feeling slightly out of breath. Her breathing shallow from nerves, but she was helpless to do anything about it.

Kathryn hesitated before answering. ‘No, not yet.’ She continued looking at B'Elanna her gaze searching. ‘B'Elanna… I love you.’

Something settled inside the engineer’s chest and she could feel her body start to shake slightly. What was at stake here suddenly overwhelming her.

‘But that was the harshest dismissal I’ve ever had and it hurt and I’m furious.’ Emotion colored Kathryn’s voice with tears and anger.

‘I’m sorry Kathryn.’ She didn’t know what else to say. Hesitantly she took several steps closer, when Kathryn didn’t move away, she cautiously stepped closer still and gently cupped one flushed cheek with her hand. ‘You deserve to be loved, you deserve someone to take chances for you. I would like a second chance to show you that I can and I do. I love you Kathryn. Please forgive me for hurting you, for being so insensitive, callous.’

Kathryn’s lips trembled, her gaze open, almost imperceptibly closing the distance between them until she was in B'Elanna’s arms, her head gently laid on a strong shoulder, face hiding in the crook of a soft neck. ‘B'Elanna,’ whispered against tan skin.

‘I love you Kathryn,’ she whispered back, ‘love you so much.’ Quietly she rocked the woman in her arms. Soothing both their fears. Repeating almost inaudibly again and again ‘love you, love you, love you…’

Eventually her words died, the rocking stopped and the world seemed to expand slightly beyond the confines of their arms. Kathryn sighed deeply before she leaned back a little. ‘What do we do now?’

‘Have something to drink? Sit down? Make plans for our first date?’ B'Elanna offered, smiling shyly.

‘I’d love a whiskey,’ Kathryn exclaimed eagerly, making them both grin.

‘One whiskey coming up, have a seat.’

They sat together on the couch. B'Elanna held up her glass of wine. ‘To you,’ she offered her toast quietly, sincerely. Kathryn seemed to hold her breath a second, before she softly clinked their glasses together, smiling.

‘I have a request,’ Kathryn said carefully.

B'Elanna just raised her eyebrow and cocked her head in inquiry.

‘Can I have a kiss?’

Heat flushed her skin as she leaned in towards the beautiful redhead. ‘Any time,’ she whispered across slim dark red lips, just before she caressed them sensually with her own. A breathy groan left her throat involuntarily as she kissed the lips she had missed so much these past few months.

‘Don’t ever withhold that from me again,’ Kathryn rasped.

‘I promise.’

END OF STORY